Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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