Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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