Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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