apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
