my being single is dangerous.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Congratulations! We have a period
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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