if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
