So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
