i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
