Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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