Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
