Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
