I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
