Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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