Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
please come you make the beer taste better
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
