I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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