I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
