The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
