What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
