You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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