I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize