Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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