I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
