Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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