can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
