i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
