Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
