There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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