She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
