I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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