I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
