If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
