I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize