FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
