I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can you bring me the toilet please
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
