he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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