things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
