I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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