It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
