Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
