I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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