Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
