I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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