the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
