sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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