dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
