how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize