I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
