If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
