Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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