you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
