she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
