and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
