I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
