i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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