Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
