Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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