She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
