I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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