I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
