The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't deserve a penis
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
