woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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