I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize