Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
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