I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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