this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
